What now?
by Niko1
Summary: What happens to Mary Sues after they've completed the quest to destroy the ring and save Middle Earth? They'll retire and live happily ever after, right? Well... No. Please R&R! PLEASE! I'm pitiful. **Chap2! Lost in the woods! And Legolas is embarassed.**
1. Default Chapter

A/N For those of you out there who aren't quite sure what a satire is, it's making fun of something, basically. So right now to clear any questions that might result from this, I'm telling you outright that NO, this is not meant to be serious. [Hint: That's why it's marked under HUMOR!] And also, no, this girl is NOT real, or even a remote reflection of reality.  
  
Oh, and about her name; I've noticed that a lot of people are acquiring their own Elvish names, and all of the are the same: long, drawn out bits of words like "star" or whatever "alda" translates to strung together and bastardizing Elvish. But they're all so LONG.  
  
Just play along. *grins* And now, let's all make fun of my most dreaded enemy, the MARYSUE.  
~~~~~~  
"What do you MEAN you 'don't love me anymore'? "  
  
These words of desperation were spoken by tones so melodious and beautiful as to make the very angels weep...  
  
A tear slid down the smooth cheek of a rose complexion, falling from a large, luminous eye. She blinked her piercing green eyes in disbelief, and pushed her long, blonde [but NEVER frizzy!] hair out of her perfectly formed face.  
  
Her delicate features were shocked. "But-but-..." She stammered.  
  
Facing her was the tall blonde Elven prince of Mirkwood. His face was resolute. "I'm sorry, Arweneluthienimrodelundomielatinuvielien [Who's name means "Lady fair of singing golden flowers in the evening in which a nightingale sings to a maiden."] but I simply am certain that things will never work between us. How could I be seen with someone more fair than even I? Our love cannot live." He closed his eyes and bowed his head.  
  
She stood to her full height of six feet, swaying slightly. Her gorgeous dress of golden silk clung to her slender yet well-muscled form. She clasped her perfectly smooth hands in front of her, and her long lashes fluttered as she gazed up sorrowfully.  
  
"But Legolas, my love, you swore to love me forever when I saved your, and the other's lives, by fighting off the Balrog single-handedly! You promised to love me, though I am but the half-Elven daughter of a little- known Elven lord who is descended from Feanor himself and is very powerful, or was until he was murdered by Sauron tragically at my birth at which point in time I swore to avenge him, and lived a life dodging assassins who were out to kill me."  
  
He shook his head. "I am sorry, Arweneluthienimrodelundomielatinuvielien, but my heart is dead to love."  
  
"And wilt thou break my heart?" She cried, her voice quivering with emotion. She resolved to cry no more. She could not show weakness!  
  
He looked slightly ashamed. "Well, if you put it that way, it does sound bad, but sorry. You'll find someone. I'm sure you will." He awkwardly traced a circle on the ground with his foot. "Well, you should probably go. I mean, you're welcome to stay, but well, you see, things may be rather difficult with this whole... Thing." He finished badly, and leaned forwards to plant a chaste kiss on her cheek. She struggled to find words, but flung herself away and down the hall instead, weeping.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
As soon as he was sure she was gone, Legolas breathed a sigh of relief, was silent for a moment, then abruptly leapt into the air, whooping.  
  
"THANK Eru she's GONE!" He yelled jubilantly to the sky, which paid little attention to the happy Elf. "I'm free! FREE!"  
  
He ran, singing in joy, pell-mell through the halls of his father's palace, skipping, leaping, and twisting in the air in freedom-induced glory, until he came to a crystal pool. ... Where he, in a sudden fit of inspired naughtiness, went skinny-dipping.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Far away from Legolas' celebrations, the very depressed Arweneluthienimrodelundomielatinuvielien was softly wafting through the woods, taking great care to look romantically saddened and forlorn. After a while, though, her glass slippers [A/N Yup, that's right. GLASS SLIPPERS.] began to pinch her delicate feet. She ended up trying to limp gracefully, which really, she mourned, didn't work. She slumped to the ground in UTTER despair, her head in her hands. She remained that way for some time.  
  
A soft chatter made her look up. Sitting on its haunches in front of her was an adorable, big-eyed, fuzzy, sweet little chipmunk. It was, as an aside, holding a nut, although that has nothing to do with the plot.  
  
"Hello there..." She breathed, not wanting to scare it. After all, though, wasn't she beautiful enough to charm the animals right out of the forest? She felt a little better. To bloody hell with that stuck-up Elf!  
  
"My name is Arweneluthienimrodel-.......[time passed as she goes through her name.] ........-undomielatinuvielien." She finished with a flair.  
  
She looked around. "Chipmunk...?"  
  
It was gone. She stared about in consternation.  
  
Suddenly, and very spookily, a totally random voice from no source spoke.  
  
"Evidently, it got bored." It remarked dryly. "I don't say I blame it. Your name, quite frankly, sucks. Henceforth, you shall be named ... Al." It paused.  
  
"Who are you, and why do you name me as such?!" She cried, and grasped her bow. Of COURSE she can use a bow. Quiet.  
  
"I'm the Narrator," the voice announced, "And your name is hell to remember [and TYPE], and as such, I am re-naming you something NORMAL." With a loud BANG of thunder, it was GONE. [Dun dun DUUUUUUN.]  
  
The newly named Al did a very un-MarySue-ish thing, and gaped at the sky.  
  
And then it started to pour.  
~~~  
Review? Pleeeeeeeease? I have terribly low self esteem! 


	2. In which there is a towel, or a lack of ...

I am so, so sorry this has taken so long, but my mother is an Evil Nazi [nastyword] who gets power kicks out of not letting me on the computer. Ever. Infer what you will about our relationship!  
  
Anyway! Please ignore me waxing eloquent about the purpose of scenery in life later on. Honestly? I just kind of felt sorry for it. Maybe it can have a bigger role later. Wouldn't you get bored if you were scenery?!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these people. (Disregard the fact that I have Orlando Bloom tied up in my closet with a blonde wig glued to his head.) Except Al, who, in the spirit of all good characters should come to life through an authors words, so technically she owns herself. And no, in the deep, deep recesses of my heart, I don't really expect that any of the characters would ever really behave like this. I'm PLAYING.  
~~~~  
It was approximately six to eight hours since we last saw our hero, Al, and she was still wallowing in slightly ungracious self-pity. From out of nowhere, a sudden and startling thought that was infinitely unwelcome occurred to Al; that maybe-just maybe-she was being rather ridiculous. But, being the Mary-Sue she is, ruthlessly quashed the thought. Instead, she decided it would be useful, her being lost in the woods and all, for her to spend the next few minutely trying vainly to see her reflection in the polished surface of her sword. However, since the end of the Quest, she had been neglecting the weapon, and the rust that had built up really didn't do a good job of reflecting anything. Her eyes filled with tears yet again.  
  
"Oh, it's hopeless!" she wailed, slumping dejectedly to the ground. "What ever shall I do?"  
  
The scenery, as scenery is apt to do, it being scenery and all, stoically ignored her while doing what scenery does best-provide a suitable background, for lack of a better thing to do with itself.  
  
"Alright. Think." She told herself firmly. "What to do..." In the back of her mind, a terribly nasty little voice of reason and common sense suggested that there was something that needed immediate attention, but she just couldn't put her finger on it.  
  
"I know there's something..." She said absently, knawing at one knuckle. "Something important." She looked around at the fading light and rapidly approaching darkness when it hit her. "Mirkwood! I'm ALONE in Mirkwood. At night." She felt an unsettling shiver run down her spine, and nervously eyed the shadows. For all that she would have loved to strike a brave, maidenly pose at that point, and perhaps fully exploit her unfortunate circumstances to the best of her advantage, the fact that the entire area had fallen abruptly and eerily silent made her decide to get the hell out of there, and quickly.  
  
Her decision came one moment too late, however.  
  
A large, dark, and dangerously quick figure exploded out of the underbrush, moving forwards on what seemed to be far too many legs for comfort. It was making a hungry clicking sound, which boded ill for Al, who probably looked like quite a yummy snack.  
  
She screamed. What else could she possibly do? Then she regained her poise and gracefully reached to the quiver she wore for an arrow.  
  
Her fingers closed on empty air. This was great- she had a bow, aye, but nothing to shoot with! How wonderfully prepared she was.  
  
The creature gave her no time to recover, lashing out at her with two hairy legs. It calmly and efficiently disarmed her, and, with one neat tap, knocked her out. It dragger her through the forest, paying no attention to the twigs and mud getting tangled in her hair.  
~~~~~~~  
  
Legolas towelled himself off vigorously after climbing out of the pool, but held off on dressing, hating the feeling of clothing on damp flesh. After wrapping the towel around his waist, he strolled through the halls, enjoying the last of the sun's rays on his skin.  
  
The corridor branched off, leading to a balcony that over-looked a leaf- littered courtyard. Attentive guards stood silent and unmoving at the doors. He approached one of them and he saluted the slender Elven prince smartly, his gaze not betraying whatever his opinion of the prince's lack of clothing.  
  
"Perhaps you were aware that Arwen left the palace this afternoon," Legolas said non-comitally. The guard's face remained impartial until Legolas looked away, and a faint hint of relief showed in his eyes. Legolas continued: "I believe that she may encounter some trouble. After all, she is wandering through Mirkwood with no protection. I would appriciate it, and look upon it as a personal favor if you would trail her, unseen, and keep her from injury." The guard nodded stiffly, and marched off, his well- polished boots clicking loudly and echoing in the stone square.  
  
Legolas watched him go, a bemused smile on his face. "Terribly uptight fellow, there," He commented to the empty air, then looked down and realized that his towel had fallen off.  
~~~~~~~  
Okay there! Now a few notes!  
  
Tough Cookie: The towel part was all for you. :)  
  
Viraten: Glee is an AWESOME word. I am gleeful about it.  
  
Black Jaguar12: The Narrator just plain amuses me. Narrators have Ultimate Power! *scary music*  
  
Symbelmyrne: Thanks. You make me happy.  
  
Little-lost-one: ... Hee?  
  
Queen Isis: I know! The name thing is ridiculous! *blushes* I'm ashamed to admit I have my own, though. I don't *use* it, but it's in existance. At least I made it myself with the aid of a Elvish dictionary.  
  
Kaze: I like it too. No, wait, I DON'T. It's hard to write. Maybe I'll squish Al with a Grand Piano. Heh.  
  
Elanhín: I update sporadically. I'm so, so sorry.  
  
Annoying Took: I brighten days! Hooray!  
  
I'll shut up now! 


End file.
